Because learning your attachment style can change everything.
If you’ve ever wondered why certain relationship moments feel so intense, or why you shut down even when you care deeply, attachment science can offer some clarity. And the best part? You don’t need a psychology degree to understand it. As a trauma therapist who works with adults healing anxiety, PTSD, and attachment wounds, I see every day how powerful this framework can be. Once you understand your pattern, you can actually change it.
What attachment styles actually mean (minus the psychobabble)
Attachment style is simply the blueprint your nervous system uses to navigate closeness, conflict, and connection in relationships. Think of it as thee “default setting” you developed based on the caregivers you had growing up. It developed based on how consistent, responsive, predictable, or emotionally available they were.
It’s not a personality flaw.
It’s not a diagnosis.
And it definitely doesn’t mean you’re “broken.”
Your attachment style is a learned pattern, one your brain created to protect you. And because it was learned, it can be unlearned. This is where therapy (especially EMDR for attachment wounds) can be genuinely transformative.
Most people fall into one of three common patterns:
- Secure attachment: “I can depend on you, and I can depend on myself.”
- Anxious attachment: “Are you still there? Am I OK with you?”
- Avoidant attachment: “I care about you, but I need space to breathe.”
You might see yourself in one, or you might move between them depending on the situation or partner.
If you’re curious about your attachment style, you can take an assessment here and then come back to read the blog post once you know more about your attachment style!
The anxious dance: “Do you still love me?”
If you lean anxious, relationships can feel like emotional whiplash. You crave closeness deeply, and when you sense distance (real or imagined), your nervous system hits the alarm. Suddenly your chest feels tight, your mind spirals, and everything feels urgent.
You’re not “too much.”
You’re not dramatic.
Your brain simply learned that connection wasn’t always consistent, so now it works overtime to keep it close.
Common anxious-attachment reactions might include:
- Overthinking every text or tone change
- Seeking reassurance
- Feeling panicked when someone pulls away
- Taking conflict personally or catastrophizing
When I work with anxious clients in attachment trauma counseling, we focus on helping the nervous system feel safe enough to pause, breathe, and check reality instead of spiraling into worst-case scenarios.
The avoidant wall: “I need space”
If you lean avoidant, relationships can feel overwhelming, even if you care deeply and want connection. You may find that when someone gets too close emotionally, you instinctively pull back, shut down, or need distance.
Again, this isn’t because you’re cold, unfeeling, or uninterested.
Your brain simply learned early on that emotional needs were met with inconsistency, discomfort, or disappointment so it became safer to rely on yourself.
Avoidant tendencies can look like:
- Feeling irritated when someone needs reassurance
- Shutting down during conflict
- Keeping emotional walls high
- Feeling trapped or suffocated in intense relationships
Avoidant attachment isn’t a lack of desire for closeness. It’s fear wrapped in independence.
How to move toward secure connection
Here’s the hopeful part: secure attachment isn’t something you either “have or don’t have.” It’s something you can build.
Moving toward secure connection includes:
1. Noticing your pattern without shame
Awareness creates options. When you can name your instinctive reaction: “Oh, this is my anxious part panicking” or “This is my avoidant part protecting me”, you immediately shift into a more grounded place.
2. Learning to regulate your nervous system
Secure attachment grows from a regulated body. Breathwork, bilateral stimulation, mindfulness, walking, and EMDR can help rewire old emotional patterns that cause you to interpret neutral moments as threats.
3. Communicating needs clearly and calmly
Secure people don’t avoid needs, they express them without expecting others to read their minds.
4. Choosing relationships that support growth
Healing becomes easier when you’re with people who respond with patience, consistency, and repair.
If you’re ready to explore your attachment style, heal the deeper patterns underneath, and move toward healthier relationships, I’d love to help you get started. You can schedule a free 15-minute consultation to see if therapy or EMDR might be the right next step.
